Going back to work after maternity leave: the emotional side nobody prepares you for
The practical checklist for returning to work after maternity leave is easy to find. Update your childcare contract. Confirm your start date. Get the nursery bag ready the night before. Reactivate your work email.
What is considerably harder to find is an honest account of what it actually feels like in the weeks surrounding the return. The strange combination of relief and guilt on the first morning back. The way your body can be sitting in a meeting while your mind is somewhere entirely different. The unexpected grief of handing over the daily rhythms of your child's life to someone else, even someone excellent, even someone you chose carefully.
Most employers treat the return from maternity leave as a logistical event. For the mother, it is rarely that simple.
Why going back to work after maternity leave is emotionally complicated
The return to work after having a baby involves at least three simultaneous transitions, each of which would be significant on its own.
There is the professional transition: re-entering a work environment that has moved on without you, re-establishing your presence and confidence in a context where you may feel, temporarily, like you are starting from somewhere further back than you left.
There is the identity transition: negotiating who you are now that you are simultaneously a mother and a working professional, two roles that the cultural conversation has not yet fully resolved into a coherent whole.
And there is the relational transition: handing a large portion of your child's daily life over to a childcare setting and finding a way to feel, if not entirely comfortable with that, at least functional within it.
Research from the Institute for Employment Studies found that the return to work after maternity leave is consistently rated by mothers as one of the most stressful work transitions they experience, scoring higher in many cases than starting a new job entirely. The stressor is not just the professional re-entry. It is the emotional complexity of doing it while simultaneously adjusting to a fundamental change in your child's daily life.
The feelings that arrive and what they actually mean
Guilt. This one arrives earliest and stays longest. Guilt about the childcare, guilt about being relieved to be back, guilt about missing your child during meetings and guilt about occasionally forgetting to miss them. It is worth knowing that guilt in this context is almost never an accurate moral signal. It is a cultural message about what good mothers do, wearing the costume of a conscience.
Research from Harvard Business School found that children of employed mothers are more likely to be employed themselves, to earn more and to have more equitable domestic partnerships as adults. The guilt is not evidence that you are making the wrong choice.
Grief. Less talked about than the guilt, but often more significant. The maternity leave period, however hard, was a specific chapter, and it is closing. The version of your days that existed during that chapter does not continue. Many mothers describe a mourning of the leave itself that sits alongside, and sometimes complicates, the relief of returning to work.
Imposter syndrome. The professional confidence that felt solid before you left can feel surprisingly fragile on return. A 2020 study from the Journal of Vocational Behavior found that returning mothers consistently underestimated their own competence relative to their actual performance, a pattern that was not present in colleagues who had not taken leave. Knowing this is a documented, temporary effect rather than an accurate assessment of your abilities matters.
Relief. This one tends to be the least socially acceptable to admit. Being back in a professional context, having conversations that are not about nap schedules, drinking a hot drink while it is still hot: these things are allowed to feel good. Enjoying the return does not mean you love your child less.
What actually helps in the first weeks back
Challenge | What tends to help |
|---|---|
Feeling disconnected from colleagues | Low-stakes catch-ups before diving into full workload |
Professional confidence dip | Identifying one area of early competence to anchor on |
Childcare guilt mid-morning | A brief check-in system agreed with the nursery in advance |
Emotional exhaustion at the end of the day | Protecting a transition ritual between work and home |
Feeling like you're failing at both | Naming the dual adjustment explicitly with your manager |
The transition ritual point is worth expanding. Research on psychological detachment, developed by occupational psychologist Sabine Sonnentag, consistently shows that a brief but deliberate transition between work and home, even ten minutes of walking, listening to something or simply sitting in the car before going in, significantly reduces the emotional spillover between the two contexts. For returning mothers, this spillover tends to go in both directions simultaneously, which makes the transition deliberately more important, not less.
On the guilt that follows you through the day
The working mother guilt that sits in the background of the first weeks back is worth taking seriously enough to examine rather than simply push through.
Guilt that is proportionate and responsive to genuine values conflicts is useful. It tells you something real. Guilt that persists regardless of the evidence, that says you are failing your child even while your child is thriving in excellent childcare, that narrates inadequacy independent of actual outcomes, is not a moral signal. It is anxiety wearing a specific costume.
"You can do anything, but not everything." - David Allen
If the guilt has become something that significantly affects your ability to be present at work or at home, mom guilt about working: how to stop letting it run the show addresses the internal structure of that pattern directly. And if the return has raised bigger questions about identity and whether this is still the right professional path, returning to a career after years at home: the real emotional journey approaches the longer arc of that question.
The return to work after maternity leave is a transition that deserves more honest preparation than it typically receives. You are allowed to find it complicated. You are also allowed to find it, eventually, okay.
Further reading: Sheryl Sandberg, Lean in: women, work and the will to lead (2013). Amy Westervelt, Forget having it all: how America messed up motherhood and how to fix it (2018). Institute for Employment Studies: www.employment-studies.co.uk.
Frequently Asked Questions
- Why do I feel guilty and relieved at the same time when returning to work after maternity leave?
- It’s very common to feel both emotions at once. Relief may come from returning to routine and adult interaction, while guilt can come from leaving your baby and adjusting to a new caregiving setup.
- Is it normal to feel emotionally unprepared for going back to work after maternity leave?
- Yes, many mothers are surprised by how emotional the transition feels. The return involves changes in identity, relationships, and daily routines, not just a simple return to a job.
- Why does returning to work after having a baby feel harder than I expected?
- You may be managing three big changes at once: re-entering work, adjusting to your new identity as a mother and professional, and trusting someone else with your child’s day-to-day care. That combination can make the transition feel heavier than expected.
- How long does it take to adjust emotionally after maternity leave?
- There is no standard timeline, and adjustment can take weeks or longer. Many parents find the first few weeks are the hardest, and emotions often ease as routines become more familiar.
- How can I cope with the emotional side of returning to work after maternity leave?
- It can help to expect mixed feelings, give yourself time to adjust, and talk openly with someone you trust. Small routines, a steady childcare plan, and self-compassion can make the transition feel more manageable.
a freelance writer and certified maternal wellness coach with a background in psychology and over two years of experience writing about motherhood, mental health, and relationships.
