What to do when you don't like your kid right now and why it doesn't make you a bad parent
There are parenting admissions that circulate relatively freely: losing your temper, forgetting things, giving them screens when you need five minutes. And then there are the ones that feel genuinely unsayable.
Not liking your child right now is one of those.
Not because it is unusual. It is remarkably common. But because it feels like it contradicts the most fundamental thing about being a parent. You are supposed to love them unconditionally, and if love is unconditional, how can there be conditions under which you just really don't want to be around them today?
The answer is that love and liking are not the same thing. And confusing them produces a particular kind of shame that is neither useful nor accurate.
Why this happens, and why it makes complete sense
Children, particularly at specific developmental stages, can be genuinely difficult to be around. Toddlers who refuse everything. School-age children who push every limit. Teenagers who treat your presence as an imposition. Children going through a phase of whining, hitting, repeated boundary-testing or emotional regulation difficulties that require your sustained patience in conditions where you have very little of it left.
Add to that the reality of the parent's own state: exhausted, overstimulated, depleted, running on the chronic sleep deficit and background anxiety of contemporary parenting. A person in that state, in close proximity to someone who is demanding and difficult, is not going to feel warm and patient at all times. That is not a failure of love. It is a failure of circumstances.
Developmental psychologist Donald Winnicott, whose work on the relationship between parents and children remained influential for decades after his death, wrote explicitly about what he called "ordinary maternal hatred," the ambivalent feelings that arise naturally in the course of caring for a child. He argued that acknowledging these feelings, rather than suppressing them, was part of healthy parenting. The parent who claims never to have difficult feelings toward their child is, in his view, performing rather than parenting.
What "not liking your kid right now" usually signals
It is almost always about more than the child.
A 2019 study in the Journal of Child and Family Studies found that parental emotional exhaustion was the strongest single predictor of reduced positive feeling toward children, significantly outweighing child behaviour in its effect. In other words: when parents reported not liking being around their children, it was consistently correlated with the parent's own depletion rather than with anything the child was actually doing.
This is useful information. It means that the feeling is less a verdict on the child than a signal about the parent's resources. And signals can be addressed.
The feeling also tends to arrive more intensely during specific developmental phases, which is worth knowing if you are in the middle of one. Toddlerhood, which combines high demand with limited communication, and early adolescence, which combines emotional intensity with active rejection of parental closeness, consistently produce the highest rates of parental ambivalence in the research literature.
What to do with the feeling
Not perform around it. The parents who manage this best are not the ones who never feel it. They are the ones who know what to do when they do.
Name it to yourself, honestly. "I don't enjoy being around my child right now" is a thought you are allowed to have. You do not have to say it aloud to your child. But acknowledging it internally, rather than pushing it down, allows you to respond to it rather than be driven by it.
Treat it as a resource signal, not a character verdict. If you consistently don't like being around your child, the question to ask is: what needs replenishing? Sleep, space, adult interaction, a reduction in domestic load, your own needs being met in some form. The feeling is telling you something about your state, not about your love.
Create distance without abandonment. When you are at the limit of your tolerance, removing yourself briefly from the situation, and doing so explicitly, "I need a few minutes and then I'll come back," is better for the child than remaining present and dysregulated. Brief, predictable distance is not rejection. It is regulation.
Do not share the feeling with the child. There is a version of parental honesty that goes too far. Telling a child you do not like them, even momentarily and even while you love them, puts them in an impossible position. The feeling is yours to manage.
Find somewhere safe to say it. A partner, a trusted friend, a therapist. The relief of saying the unsayable in a space where it will not be used against you or taken as evidence of inadequacy is real and meaningful. The shame that keeps the feeling secret keeps it louder.
What the research says about ambivalence and good parenting
Common belief | What research actually suggests |
|---|---|
Good parents always enjoy their children | Parental ambivalence is universal and does not predict poor outcomes |
Not liking your child means something is wrong with the relationship | Temporary negative feelings are normal in all close relationships |
Children are harmed by parents having these feelings | Children are harmed by parents acting on them destructively, not by having them |
Admitting the feeling makes it worse | Acknowledging and processing the feeling tends to reduce its intensity |
The fourth row is the one that matters most practically. Research on emotional suppression, including Brené Brown's work on shame resilience and James Gross's laboratory studies on emotional regulation strategies, consistently finds that suppressing difficult feelings increases their intensity and duration. Acknowledging them tends to do the opposite.
"There is no such thing as a baby. There is a baby and someone." - Donald Winnicott
The someone matters. And the someone has feelings, including ones that are complicated. Holding that honestly, without performing either the feeling or its absence, is closer to the actual work of parenting than any version of it that requires you to feel warmly at all times.
If the exhaustion that underlies this feeling has become something more sustained and significant, emotional exhaustion in motherhood: what it really means addresses the deeper layer. And if resentment is part of what you are feeling toward the role itself rather than just the child in this moment, resentment in motherhood: where it comes from is worth reading alongside this.
Further reading: Donald Winnicott, Playing and reality (1971). Brené Brown, Daring greatly (2012). Jennifer Senior, All joy and no fun (2014).
Frequently Asked Questions
- Is it normal to not like my child sometimes?
- Yes. Many parents go through periods where they feel irritated, disconnected, or even dislike their child’s behavior, especially during stressful or developmental phases. This does not mean you love your child any less or that you are a bad parent.
- What is the difference between loving my child and liking them?
- Love is the deeper, long-term bond and commitment you have to your child, while liking is the day-to-day feeling of enjoying being around them. It is possible to love your child deeply and still not enjoy their behavior or company in certain moments.
- Why do I feel angry or annoyed with my child all the time?
- Constant annoyance often happens when you are overwhelmed, sleep-deprived, overstimulated, or dealing with ongoing boundary-testing or difficult behavior. The problem is usually a mix of your child’s behavior and your own depleted capacity, not a lack of love.
- Does feeling resentful toward my child make me a bad parent?
- No. Resentment is a human response to stress, exhaustion, and unmet needs, and it can show up in even caring, devoted parents. What matters most is how you respond to those feelings and whether you seek support when needed.
- How can I cope when I don’t want to be around my child right now?
- Start by naming the feeling without judging yourself and take a brief break if you can, even for a few minutes. Then focus on rest, lowering demands, and getting support so you can reset rather than forcing yourself to pretend everything is fine.
a freelance writer and certified maternal wellness coach with a background in psychology and over two years of experience writing about motherhood, mental health, and relationships.
