What counts as bad parenting? 12 behaviours experts actually agree on
Most parents worry they are doing it wrong at least some of the time.
Sometimes the worry is specific. The moment you lost your temper. The screen time that went too long. The meal that was definitely not nutritionally balanced. Most of the time, these are ordinary parenting moments, not evidence of anything more serious.
But underneath the everyday worry, there is a more useful question: what behaviours does the research actually identify as genuinely harmful? Not harmful in the aspirational parenting content sense, not harmful because a social media account said so, but harmful in the sense of producing measurable negative outcomes for children.
This list answers that question. Twelve behaviours. All backed by consistent research findings.
Before the list: the difference between imperfect and harmful
Imperfect parenting is universal. Good enough parenting, a concept developed by paediatrician Donald Winnicott, is the standard developmental psychology actually supports. It does not mean perfect. It means consistent enough, warm enough and responsive enough that the child can develop securely.
Harmful parenting is different. It produces lasting effects on a child's development, their ability to regulate emotions, their sense of self-worth and their capacity to form healthy relationships. The behaviours below are the ones where research is consistent and where the evidence is more than anecdotal.
12 behaviours experts agree are harmful
1. Consistent emotional unavailability A parent who is physically present but emotionally absent, due to depression, phone use, work stress or other factors, produces what attachment researchers call an "insecure avoidant" pattern in children. Research by John Bowlby and subsequent attachment scientists found this is one of the most significant predictors of emotional difficulty in adulthood.
2. Harsh or unpredictable discipline Punishment that is physical, humiliating or inconsistent does not teach behaviour. It teaches fear and suppresses the development of internal self-regulation. A 2016 review in the Journal of Family Psychology found that harsh discipline was associated with increased aggression, anxiety and reduced prosocial behaviour in children.
3. Conditional love When a child's sense of being loved depends on their performance, behaviour or compliance, the psychological cost is significant. Research by psychologist Wendy Grolnick found that conditional regard, love that is visibly withdrawn when children fail or misbehave, was associated with lower self-esteem, higher anxiety and impaired intrinsic motivation.
4. Chronic exposure to parental conflict Children who regularly witness high-conflict interactions between their parents show elevated cortisol levels, sleep disturbance and poorer emotional regulation than children from low-conflict households. Research by Mark Cummings at Notre Dame found these effects were present even in very young infants.
5. Dismissing or ridiculing emotions When a child's emotional experience is consistently minimised, mocked or dismissed, they learn that their inner life is not valid. John Gottman's research identified "emotion dismissing" as one of the most predictable precursors to emotional dysregulation in adolescence.
6. Parentification Expecting children to meet a parent's emotional needs, to function as a confidant, a mediator or an emotional support, reverses the appropriate developmental relationship. Research consistently links parentification to anxiety, depression and difficulty with boundaries in adulthood.
7. Excessive control with no autonomy Authoritarian parenting, high control with low warmth, produces children who are compliant in supervised settings and poorly equipped to self-regulate in unsupervised ones. Diana Baumrind's foundational research in the 1960s identified this as one of the least effective parenting styles for long-term outcomes.
8. Neglect of basic physical needs Chronic failure to provide adequate food, warmth, safety and medical care is the most consistently studied form of childhood harm. Its effects on brain development, particularly in the first five years, are well documented and in some cases irreversible without significant intervention.
9. Using the child as a weapon in relationship conflict Speaking negatively about the other parent to the child, attempting to alienate them or using custody as a tool in adult conflict causes harm that research on parental alienation consistently identifies as independent of the original relationship difficulties.
10. Chronic shaming rather than teaching There is a meaningful difference between correcting a behaviour and attacking a child's character. "That was a dishonest thing to do" is different from "you are a liar." Chronic shame-based discipline is associated with poor self-esteem and, paradoxically, increased likelihood of the behaviour being repeated.
11. Inconsistency between households or caregivers Where inconsistency is extreme and persistent, children lose the predictability that secure development requires. Moderate inconsistency is normal. But when children cannot form a reliable model of how the adults around them will behave, anxiety and behavioural difficulties tend to follow.
12. Not repairing after conflict or disconnection Research by Ed Tronick on the "still face" experiment showed that it is not the rupture in connection that harms children but the absence of repair. Parents who consistently lose their temper or respond badly but never acknowledge or repair it leave their children with an incomplete model of how relationships work.
What this list is not
This list | This list is not |
|---|---|
Behaviours with consistent research evidence | A list of things to feel guilty about |
Patterns rather than occasional moments | A standard of perfection |
Things that are within a parent's control to change | A verdict on who you are as a parent |
What to do if you recognise something here
Recognition is the beginning of change, not evidence that the damage is done.
Dan Siegel's research on "earned security" found that parents who have reflected honestly on their own patterns and actively worked to change them can provide the same quality of secure attachment to their children as those who never had the patterns in the first place. The work is possible.
"Children need parents who are doing their best, not parents who are perfect." - Philippa Perry, The book you wish your parents had read
If triggers are part of what you are working with, how to manage triggers as a mom is directly relevant. For the work of changing patterns that came from your own upbringing, how to break generational cycles and parent differently than you were raised addresses that process honestly.
Further reading: John Bowlby, A secure base (1988). Philippa Perry, The book you wish your parents had read (2019). Diana Baumrind, research on parenting styles (1966, ongoing).
Frequently Asked Questions
- What parenting behaviors are actually considered harmful for children?
- Research consistently points to behaviors like emotional unavailability, harsh or unpredictable discipline, chronic criticism, and exposing children to ongoing conflict or neglect. These patterns can affect a child’s emotional security, self-worth, and ability to build healthy relationships.
- Is losing my temper once in a while considered bad parenting?
- No. Occasional frustration or imperfect moments are part of normal parenting and do not automatically mean a parent is harmful. What matters more is the overall pattern: whether the home is generally safe, responsive, and emotionally secure.
- How is imperfect parenting different from harmful parenting?
- Imperfect parenting includes everyday mistakes, like being tired, distracted, or making the wrong call sometimes. Harmful parenting is a repeated pattern that negatively affects a child’s development, emotional regulation, or sense of safety.
- Does inconsistent or harsh discipline affect children long term?
- Yes, research shows that physical punishment, humiliation, and unpredictable discipline can increase fear and stress rather than teach good behavior. Over time, these approaches can make it harder for children to trust caregivers and regulate emotions.
- What are the signs that parenting may be emotionally harmful?
- Common signs include a child seeming constantly anxious, withdrawn, overly fearful, or unusually eager to avoid conflict. Repeated criticism, emotional neglect, or exposure to ongoing household conflict can all contribute to these outcomes.
a freelance writer and certified maternal wellness coach with a background in psychology and over two years of experience writing about motherhood, mental health, and relationships.
