How to talk to your kids about your mental health an honest guide for parents
For a long time I thought the kindest thing i could do was hide it.
If I was struggling, I would manage it quietly. I would take myself to another room, or wait until the children were asleep, or simply get through the day performing well enough that nothing leaked. Because children should not have to carry adult problems. Because I did not want to worry them. Because there was a version of motherhood I was trying to hold together in their eyes even when I couldn't hold it together in my own.
What I've since learnt, and what the research makes fairly clear, is that children are not protected by the silence. They are already noticing. The question is not whether they know something is happening. It is whether they have any language for it, any reassurance about it and any permission to acknowledge it.
Why children notice more than parents think
Children are extraordinarily sensitive to their parents' emotional states. Even very young children use what developmental psychologists call "social referencing," looking to caregivers for emotional cues about the world. When a parent is consistently sad, anxious or withdrawn, children notice the change and begin to interpret it. Without information, they tend to fill the gap with the explanation that makes most sense to them, which is often that they are somehow responsible.
Research published in Development and Psychopathology found that parental mental health difficulties that went unacknowledged in families were associated with higher rates of anxiety in children, particularly in the absence of any explanation or reassurance. Children who were given simple, honest, age-appropriate information about a parent's mental health showed significantly lower rates of internalised anxiety than those who were not.
In other words, talking about it, carefully and appropriately, tends to help children rather than harm them.
What children need to hear and what they don't
There is a significant difference between transparency and disclosure. You do not need to make your child your emotional support person. You do not need to share the details of your diagnosis, your treatment history or the specific contents of your inner experience. What you do need to provide is reassurance, context and permission.
What children generally need to know:
- That something has been happening with you, and it has a name (or at least a description)
- That it is not their fault
- That you are getting help or support
- That the important things, being fed, being safe, being loved, are not at risk
- That they can ask questions if they want to
What children do not need to know:
- The clinical details of your condition
- Information that would increase their anxiety rather than reduce it
- Things they cannot do anything with
- Your own unprocessed emotional material as it arrives
The distinction tends to be: information that reassures and contextualises is useful. Information that burdens or frightens is not.
Age-appropriate language
Talking to a five-year-old about mental health sounds different from talking to a twelve-year-old. But both conversations are possible and both are worth having.
Child's age | What they can understand | How to frame it |
|---|---|---|
3 to 5 | Mummy sometimes feels very sad or worried, like having a poorly tummy but for feelings | "Mummy's feelings have been unwell. I'm getting help, just like we go to the doctor when our bodies feel poorly." |
6 to 9 | That grown-ups can have mental health difficulties, that it is not their fault and that help is available | "My brain has been making me feel very anxious/sad. I'm talking to someone who helps me with that." |
10 to 12 | More specific information about what the parent is experiencing, in age-appropriate terms | "I've been struggling with something called anxiety/depression. It means X. Here's what it looks like." |
13 and over | Honest, relatively full information, without making them a confidant | "I want to be honest with you. I've been going through something difficult and here's what you should know." |
The consistent thread across all ages is it is not your fault, i am getting help and the things that matter to you are safe.
The modelling piece
This is the part that tends to matter most in the longer run.
Children who see a parent experience a mental health difficulty and respond to it by seeking help, by using language for their emotional experience and by treating their mental health with the same seriousness as their physical health, learn something that cannot be taught in any other way. They learn that it is possible to struggle and to recover. That asking for help is what capable people do. That the internal experience of being human, including the difficult parts, is speakable.
Research on family communication and mental health literacy, published in Family Process (2020), found that children in families where mental health was discussed openly and without shame showed significantly higher rates of help-seeking behaviour in adolescence than those from families where the topic was avoided. The conversation now shapes what they do with their own mental health later.
"Children are not things to be moulded but people to be unfolded." - Jess Lair
If your mental health difficulties specifically include postpartum depression, how to cope with postpartum depression: getting help without the shame is a useful companion piece for the internal work of getting support while also managing what your children see. And if you are wondering how to remain a present, available parent while going through something difficult, how to manage triggers as a mom addresses the in-the-moment regulation piece in more depth.
You are allowed to be both struggling and present. You are allowed to be honest in an age-appropriate way. And you are allowed to let your children see that difficult things can be named, survived and moved through.
That is not a burden you're placing on them. It is a gift.
Further reading: Suniya Luthar, research on parental mental health and child outcomes. Laura Palagini et al., parental mental health and child development. Young Minds UK: youngminds.org.uk. Mind UK: mind.org.uk.
Frequently Asked Questions
- How do I talk to my child about my mental health without scaring them?
- Use simple, age-appropriate language and focus on reassurance. Explain that you are getting support, that your child is not to blame, and that your feelings are not their responsibility.
- Should I tell my kids when I’m feeling anxious or depressed?
- Yes, in a calm and limited way can be helpful, especially if your mood is affecting daily life. Children usually notice changes anyway, and a small honest explanation can reduce confusion and worry.
- What should I say if my child thinks it’s their fault I’m upset?
- Clearly tell them it is not their fault and that adults have feelings and problems too. Reassure them that they are safe, loved, and not responsible for fixing how you feel.
- How much detail should I share with my child about my mental health?
- Share enough to help them understand what is happening, but not so much that they feel burdened by adult concerns. Keep the focus on what they need to know: what’s happening, how it may affect them, and what support is in place.
- Can talking about my mental health actually help my children?
- Yes, honest and age-appropriate conversations can lower anxiety and help children feel more secure. When kids have language for what is happening, they are less likely to fill in the gaps with fear or self-blame.
a freelance writer and certified maternal wellness coach with a background in psychology and over two years of experience writing about motherhood, mental health, and relationships.
